the tough stuff
Chemo round 2 began on the 12th! At this very moment, I'm normal me! Physically, mentally, spiritually, ... same ol me!
My first round of chemo the month of April was ok for the most part. During my chemo week, I just got more fatigued. The worst time of my previous chemo experience was the following week post chemo- I had a little bit of a stroke scare. In general, symptoms of my kind of cancer align with stroke symptoms & my odds of encountering a stroke increased with radiation. Technically, chemo thins out the blood in my body though, so my likelihood of having a stroke decreases. I'm not a scientist, so never ever quote me on that info though! But I did have a scare, I did panic, I do get freaked out by scary symptoms to this day.
I haven't opened up publically about all the nasty foreseeable consequences of my medical dilemma, but I feel comfortable doing so now that I have had time to process and reflect on it.
Being so physically weak makes me feel humiliated; despite the fact that I know I will encounter far more humiliating occurrences farther down this cancer path ... despite the fact that I am well aware of others being in much worse conditions, I still feel humiliated when weak to any degree. I will feel far deeper humiliation the day when I encounter a loss of speech and/or paralysis; whether it's the right half of my body or my entire body. As far as I am aware, when I encounter loss of speech &/or paralysis from where my cancer grows in my brain, it will be how my life ends over the course of one week or potentially an entire year. There are more nitty gritty details to how my life will end with the kind of cancer I have & I do not wish to add to my blog at this time. There are also more horrific things that I have not yet opened a book to read about that will occur as my life deteriorates. My soul is not quite ready to absorb some of that information yet.
Obviously, I hope to experience something miraculous that removes cancer from my body and allows me to live a happy little life as a lady who makes sweets in a log cabin deep in the Idaho woods with a lawn of moss; but I do accept that it is far more likely unfortunate health deterioration will occur. But I still make my 11:11 wishes!
I know me putting this information onto my blog makes readers feel that I am in a place where I need support mentally- but I swear I am a-okay mentally & spirituality at this time. As emphasized on my previous blog post, I had a time a handful of months prior to this cancer dilemma, where I realized how unexplainably happy I was ((and still am)) with life- regardless of how long or short it is- and how my heart, mind, & soul will continue to grow over the course of my life.
Something I did not consider in the past, was the possibility of my life ending while I am at my lowest and darkest point mentally. Back when I concluded I was super duper happy, I intended to pass away happy; regardless of the passing situation. I am struggling to sort out remaining happy at the end. I am trying to solve this puzzle in my brain of how to pass away happy while experiencing such a crummy expected early death. I suppose I have the “privilege” of knowing exactly how I will likely pass away and when I will likely pass away, which makes it easier for me to not waste my time of living; but how do I remain happy at the end of my time?
How do I remain happy speechless in pain unable to move? Will my vivid mortifying dreams I had during my previous span of time undergoing emotional struggles return? Will I be able to think properly as the cancer reaches its biggest size in my brain where the ability to think comes from? Will I be able to read? I won't be able to eat and taste since I'll be attached to a feeding tube, but can I at least listen to music? How do I communicate what genre of music I would like to listen to? How do I communicate if I would like to have time with those close to me or if being seen by those I love in such a humiliating state of existence was not something I could tolerate? That’s the puzzle I am trying to solve. I hold no beliefs in how dying works. I am not anti religious beliefs in any way shape or form, I simply just don’t align with anything in particular. I accept that anything is possible, anything could be true.
I have reached a point while processing my life expectancy & expected way of my life ending where I can comfortably share this information with the general public/ individuals that care about me or just have a general interest in my life. There was a website attached to my GoFundMe long ago that had my predicted remaining life span from time of diagnosis; to be clear for anyone who did not read that information, my kind of cancer is known to last for 3-5 years. That being said, my brain-cancer specialist doctor in Chicago had an average lifespan of 7 years among the patients with the same kind of cancer she handled.
For the third time, I am mentally stable and very happy now as I continue to do what I love with people that I love in a community that I love.
Brains are weird. Life is weird. Tastebuds are weird. People are weird. Death is weird. Weirdly, I'm a happy person.
