a wee bit serious, a wee bit silly

Chemo round #3 has begun! Here are my known medical updates: 

Unfortunately, I am borderline anemic; meaning my red blood cell counts are incredibly low. Of course, I have just introduced iron supplements into my pill poppin’ daily run through to help my blood be a smidge better. This is a typical response to chemotherapy treatments, though I was not anticipating it beginning so early in my chemo trek. Since my blood is so thin, I am getting random bruises and; not to TMI ((but it’s MY blog)), my already heavy menstrual cycles have far worsened to a point of worry. On top of that, of course since my blood is in poor state & I am an individual partaking in chemotherapy, my immune system is extra extra extra vulnerable. When my bloodwork reaches a point of too much fragility or if I end up sick, it will delay my chemo treatment schedule. 

Speaking of chemo schedule, I would like to make the heartbreaking announcement that if all is going well, I will be on chemo for Halloween, Thanksgiving, & Christmas this year. It’s a mega bummer, but I do not want to experience a health issue that delays my chemo. 

My only other medical update is I had a handful of days last week that I experienced more swelling on my head/face, sharp pains in the areas of my left frontal lobe, left side of the occipital lobe, & the area of my right side brain tumor, & major sinus irritation. All of that could be caused by literally anything- spinal fluid gettin’ out of control, maybe I have developed allergies, perhaps it’s because my cat & snuggle buddy, Storm, has been a dirt roller that loves to lay on my pillow, could be cancer growth, maybe it's just a post radiation symptom… This week I have not re-experienced those symptoms so far, so I am not too on edge about the cause of the issues.

Let's move on to the non-medical side of what’s new n what’s on my mind!

This past week has been a little bit of a cake week! Got to make my first large vanilla/strawberry sheet cake for someone’s birthday, a round of cupcakes to give away, & a small but tall cute vanilla/raspberry/lemon cake for Debbie Gray’s birthday! I am beyond grateful to be able to bake my heart out in a proper industrial kitchen that is quiet. In the future, for certain I will take a deep blog post dive into my background in this particular kitchen space.

Food wise, something I have always loved is grilled & smoked food. May 31st, 2025 I received something I have wanted for most of my life- a Traeger pellet smoker/grill. I shed tears when my mom gifted me this item that is far more valuable to me than gold n baroque pearl jewelry. Along with that, my aunt covered all the upgrades n trinkets. Wow. Tragically, my first Traeger from 5/31/25 broke down during mid- ribeye steak execution. It was a fault that was not caused by me luckily & it was replaced with another new Traeger a few days later thank goodness! Today, 6/10/25 at 6:05pm, my herby T-Bone steaks hit the Traeger. By 6:20pm we; my mom, aunt, & I, were devouring the most delicious melt-in-your-mouth perfectly seasoned soft medium rare T-Bone steaks. My mouth is watering right now at 8:06pm as I write this. I also totally had two Traeger hotdogs for breakfast today. I’m no savoury food expert, but I am on a mission to master this Traeger. Watch out- I am grillin’ hardcore in my cheetah print kaftan.

Other than food, I looooove music. Everyone has their own taste, gets their own take aways from music. On Monday, the Eminem song “Lose Yourself” randomly popped up on the radio during our drive back to Genesee from my chemo appointment and it took me far back in time. It took me back to when my favourite artists were Eminem, Ice Cube, & Nicki Minaj around 5th/6th grade. I remember having a tablet with some music downloaded to it and some big white cushy headphones. Eminem said while I was on the school bus, during class time, & during my drive back from my most recent chemo appointment:

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

You can do anything you set your mind to, man

I no longer jam out to Eminem, I am not a fan like I was as a middleschooler; but those words along with the beat were a huge push towards accomplishing my goals at a really young age. As silly as it sounds, it genuinely helped me grow into the individual I am today. There’s a lot of other songs by a bazillion other artists that have pushed me in different directions, inspired me, helped me process emotional things, given me a poetic coverage of a bazillion different lifestyles, helped me relax, made my body want to move n groove ((I am not a good dancer though.)) …

When I hit 7th grade, I started going by Alex instead of Alexa & I hit my emo phase hardcore; cut & dyed my hair fun colours, loved spending my deniros at Hot Topic, & I would jam out to music that was dudes screaming about crummy things in life. All that time, I had a heavy dislike for country music, even though I was a farm animal 4-H kiddo. Whenever my aunt would drive me somewhere, we would listen to country and the one song I loved, despite my country hatred, was Pontoon by Little Big Town. Huge thank you to country swing dancing for giving me the love of country music a couple years ago.

I’m not headed into something deep with this music information spill. Everyone who knows me pretty well knows that I love Smino, Nickleback, Charlie Sutton & Charlie Crockett along with a bazillion other artists as well. I can go trashy, classy, … anything in between.

Thanks for tuning in for my not so deep silly blog post with some serious medical updates, my food knowledge progress, & a tiny tip of a gigantor music related iceberg. I am still the same ol me n happy as can be!

P.S. if you’re in need of a cake or a plated dessert, reach out to me via the email that’s at the bottom of this website!

the tough stuff

Chemo round 2 began on the 12th! At this very moment, I'm normal me! Physically, mentally, spiritually, ... same ol me! 

My first round of chemo the month of April was ok for the most part. During my chemo week, I just got more fatigued. The worst time of my previous chemo experience was the following week post chemo- I had a little bit of a stroke scare. In general, symptoms of my kind of cancer align with stroke symptoms & my odds of encountering a stroke increased with radiation. Technically, chemo thins out the blood in my body though, so my likelihood of having a stroke decreases. I'm not a scientist, so never ever quote me on that info though! But I did have a scare, I did panic, I do get freaked out by scary symptoms to this day. 

I haven't opened up publically about all the nasty foreseeable consequences of my medical dilemma, but I feel comfortable doing so now that I have had time to process and reflect on it.

Being so physically weak makes me feel humiliated; despite the fact that I know I will encounter far more humiliating occurrences farther down this cancer path ... despite the fact that I am well aware of others being in much worse conditions, I still feel humiliated when weak to any degree. I will feel far deeper humiliation the day when I encounter a loss of speech and/or paralysis; whether it's the right half of my body or my entire body. As far as I am aware, when I encounter loss of speech &/or paralysis from where my cancer grows in my brain, it will be how my life ends over the course of one week or potentially an entire year. There are more nitty gritty details to how my life will end with the kind of cancer I have & I do not wish to add to my blog at this time. There are also more horrific things that I have not yet opened a book to read about that will occur as my life deteriorates. My soul is not quite ready to absorb some of that information yet.

Obviously, I hope to experience something miraculous that removes cancer from my body and allows me to live a happy little life as a lady who makes sweets in a log cabin deep in the Idaho woods with a lawn of moss; but I do accept that it is far more likely unfortunate health deterioration will occur. But I still make my 11:11 wishes! 

I know me putting this information onto my blog makes readers feel that I am in a place where I need support mentally- but I swear I am a-okay mentally & spirituality at this time. As emphasized on my previous blog post, I had a time a handful of months prior to this cancer dilemma, where I realized how unexplainably happy I was ((and still am)) with life- regardless of how long or short it is- and how my heart, mind, & soul will continue to grow over the course of my life.

Something I did not consider in the past, was the possibility of my life ending while I am at my lowest and darkest point mentally. Back when I concluded I was super duper happy, I intended to pass away happy; regardless of the passing situation. I am struggling to sort out remaining happy at the end. I am trying to solve this puzzle in my brain of how to pass away happy while experiencing such a crummy expected early death. I suppose I have the “privilege” of knowing exactly how I will likely pass away and when I will likely pass away, which makes it easier for me to not waste my time of living; but how do I remain happy at the end of my time?

How do I remain happy speechless in pain unable to move? Will my vivid mortifying dreams I had during my previous span of time undergoing emotional struggles return? Will I be able to think properly as the cancer reaches its biggest size in my brain where the ability to think comes from? Will I be able to read? I won't be able to eat and taste since I'll be attached to a feeding tube, but can I at least listen to music? How do I communicate what genre of music I would like to listen to? How do I communicate if I would like to have time with those close to me or if being seen by those I love in such a humiliating state of existence was not something I could tolerate? That’s the puzzle I am trying to solve. I hold no beliefs in how dying works. I am not anti religious beliefs in any way shape or form, I simply just don’t align with anything in particular. I accept that anything is possible, anything could be true.

I have reached a point while processing my life expectancy & expected way of my life ending where I can comfortably share this information with the general public/ individuals that care about me or just have a general interest in my life. There was a website attached to my GoFundMe long ago that had my predicted remaining life span from time of diagnosis; to be clear for anyone who did not read that information, my kind of cancer is known to last for 3-5 years. That being said, my brain-cancer specialist doctor in Chicago had an average lifespan of 7 years among the patients with the same kind of cancer she handled. 

For the third time, I am mentally stable and very happy now as I continue to do what I love with people that I love in a community that I love.

Brains are weird. Life is weird. Tastebuds are weird. People are weird. Death is weird. Weirdly, I'm a happy person.

whats happening pre-chemo

Let the blogging begin! Here's a rundown of technical updates n then I'll jump into what's on my mind emotionally lately:

My most important update is that transferring my Illinois Medicaid to Idaho Medicaid officially happened successfully during this past week! Fingers crossed nothing impacts my insurance in the future. 

Finally, my radiation symptoms have begun retreating & I can be wide awake n back to a normal sleep schedule. I did lose most of my left eyebrow & a lotta hair from my head, but hair loss is far better than other things.

My upcoming chemo cycle will be 28 days for the next year-ish. The doctor I had in Chicago said we would try to reach a year of chemo treatment whereas my Idaho doctor says we will go beyond a year; so who knows how long this will go for. Regardless, it'll be 5 days in a row I do my chemo, 23 days I don't do chemo & at some point in those days I do blood work & brain scan, n then BAM! Do the chemo again! My first 5 day round of chemo, 4/14-4/18, will be a lighter dosage compared to the rest of the chemo I receive during my remaining cycles. 

Pre-cancer diagnosis; which gave me some cancer knowledge I never thought I'd have, I thought all chemo was was sitting connected to a machine and losing all your hair & a lil weight. Turns out, chemo has different form variations; but overall, chemo kills both the good cells & the bad cells throughout the body. It specifically goes to prevent cells from reproducing. Just the same as my radiation treatment had a list of "may happen/may not happen as a result of treatment", my kind of chemo's got a handful of “maybe/maybe-nots”. But for certain my immune system will drop drastically & things will take longer to heal & my cancer cells will fail to divide and grow until they develop a resistance to chemo.  

Here's a link to a good general rundown on chemo treatments if you would like more info because I am not giving out a chemo research essay: https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/treatment/chemotherapy/how-chemotherapy-works 

Honestly, my biggest chemo concern is just puking & feeling icky inside.

Before I spill my guts a lil for y'all over time here in the Blog Territory, I just want to state that I have so many amazing things & people to be grateful for. I'm lucky to have family to take care of me, a roof over my head, clean water, fresh eggs n milk, space to grow produce, a caring community, n a bazillion other things. Sure, it's really sad to be in a situation such as mine where you're given out of the blue a predicted lifespan & informed of the heart wrenching experience you will have at the end of your life; but I'm happy. There are individuals with far worse medical conditions, far less physical, mental, & financial support, tragic backgrounds, suffering as they face literal war directly outside their door ...etc. I experience a lot of negative emotional thoughts these days because that is normal for everyone; but I'm genuinely overall happy & grateful & will always bounce back from my low downs. 

Now that the easy-breezy technical updates have been relayed to y'all, let's move on to my mental/emotional update. I'm having a difficult time adjusting to both the social & driving habits/norms switch between Chicago & Idaho. When I first moved to Chi, in general public I was too nice, too chatty, too smiley; to the point where a lotta folks were weirded out by my existence. Eventually I adjusted to the comfort of blending in, not chitchattin, keepin a straight face, n avoiding eye contact while still being aware who's around me. I liked being a gal that never saw the same folks in the general public ever. Never at the gas station, never at the same times on the train, never everrrrrrrr!  

The 'scow's very different of course! Here, people in public do eye contact n smiles, chitchat with strangers, wave at strangers, recognize a lotta people, etc. Over my last year n a half, I just have become less chatty unless it's in private one on one chit chattin. But even then, I don't have a lot to talk about because all I've been up to is puzzles & sodoku n keeping my eyes peeled for ticks. I'm not upset about a lil bit of social change- both Idaho & Chicago make me happy- I'm just taking a bit of time to adjust to an unanticipated change.

So, insurance is in the right spot, chemo begins today on 4/14 at 9pm PDT, my brain is still kinda swollen, I'm adjusting socially, driving really stresses me out; but I did not dive into the details, & I'm happy overall despite the cons I have been encountering. Eventually, I will share some organized heavier thoughts from my mind. Right this moment, I’ve got nothing crazy & nothing emotionally deep to poetically convey.